Hannah McDonald
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or making things more complicated for you
do you think i am trying to control you too?
or not
would you prefer me to step back completely?
oh im sorry its because of me - that makes me feel terrible - sorry
sorry i will quieten down a bit now :)
New Page
Is anyone else involved in watching or controlling?
Months
Years
How long?
But it’s important you feel in control
I am not scared of her
So don’t worry about me
and if so he would feel really happy you are confiding in him
and you never know he may have guessed that you are stressed about something
i think he wouldnt want to see you unhappy
so much so it is difficult to communiate directly about the situation yourself
and the stress of it has made your alexitymia and masking worse
but maybe admitting to him an affair with a woman who is now blackmailing you to stay
with the aim to help you find a nice therapy for the unmasking/ alexithymia
you can leave out parts that you dont feel comfortable sharing
he is old enough to understand life is messy and he really want to help
and then to feel you have a team on your side rather than fighting on your own
but eventually sharing something with Ffion will help bring come cohesiveness to different areas
as rushing wont be good for the unmasking
take as much time as you need
maybe go to a local library computer to login to the email if worried
you didnt get any sleep again?
how are you feeling this morning?
I’m awake x
One day
Start to build leverage-
Take screenshots of as much as possible and keep a folder
Any conversation about money, threats or pushing you to do something
Yes take screenshots of everything.
maybe thats enough questions for today (and before the football :)
its sounds like it has been a lot to deal with
im sorry you have gone through this
phew well done - im sure sharing that felt a lot
I can send emails to you here
StuHan8@
wonderfulbeachwalk@gmail.com
a new email account for us only
but im still here x
I will give you some time to process this
She is using that as a way to feel like you cant escape her
if she did I would know for sure that she dd something to me
she has no power over me
I dont care if she says she saw me or whatever
but you are not - people care for you
her bullying works by making you feel like you are on your own
you dont need to go into specifics - but I am certain he would want to help his dad
that is why I would love to ask Ffion to help
but it is important that you know this
ok I know that is probably a lot to process
you should be free to stop whenever you want
it doesnt matter what was agreed at one point
You decide what is best for you - no one else
it doesnt matter what someone else thinks
and I think it is important that you realise that
sorry if that sounds too direct - but I think you are being placed in an unsafe position
if it was just fun you would feel you can stop whenever you want - even when acting out S roles
if it makes you feel uncomfortable that is a sign it has crossed your boundaries
you are not going crazy - you are being pushed to your limits
so other people have experienced this like you
I have also read this is common for certain dynamics in this lifestyle to be pushed too far
I have also read it is common with masking as the role to play is clear - even if not good for you
and sometimes the intensity such as pain can be mistaken for a deep emotion
but someone is taking advantage of the fact that it is difficult for you to say no
as the strict rules feel safe
I have read that this is common for Alexithymia
that is beyond the rules of a healthy relationship - even in that lifestyle
when you try to stop you are made to feel you are not allowed
even if you say you agree - you dont really want to do it
Yes I do think this is an example of bullying pressure
and email acounts
is someone logged in on your social media
do they threaten you when you try to stop
do they have IRL access to you
is filming/ photos involved
is money involved
or just her
Are other people involved
just click on the ones that are true
New Page
I also saw her before I knew who it was
She has no power over me - I’m not scared of her
I think she is trying to pretend she has more power than she does
Maybe briefly
Or did something to me
Thanks x
Will send some messages in a bit
we dont need to talk about it x
things will get better x
or she did at one point?
she can see me?
but its ok to not feel ok too x
Acupuncture helped me so much
Sleep is so important to help us feel well
Or somatic healing therapy
Maybe a first step before therapy could be acupuncture
New Page
Standard buttons to say what You (SFE) feel want like
Ok we are getting somewhere :)
i think that is sweet
wonderful
You think I’m a good person who deserves a good life
go slower
New Page
im trying
that was a lot for me to process
i need some quiet time now
i may seem quiet but inside my head is loud
stay here with me but quietly x
stay here with me
what do you think?
i like sunny days
i do not like sunny days
i like rainy days
i do not like rainy days
i care a lot for my sons
i think that is nice
I’m feeling happy
i think I am funnier than you :)
im feeling lovely
i feel relaxed
my head feels quiet
I’m feeling tired
Im feeling angry
I am feeling very angry
I wish everyone would leave me alone
I’m feeling hangry
I’m feeling hangry :) (sorry couldn’t resist)
I’m feeling ok
I am choosing where I put my energy
I’m feeling a bit anxious
roof
Im not feeling happy
I’m feeling annoyed
people are pressuring me
I dont have to explain myself
please let me decide for myself
I dont like doing that
It is ok for me to say what I dont like
I will not do that
my head feels loud
I have a weird energy
My chest feels tight
my muscles wont relax
i have a head ache
that irritated me a bit but im ok
I am practicing choosing what is best for me
im not sure how im feeling
that interaction is draining me
Ive decided this isnt good for me
let me make my own decision
that specifically is difficult for me
that specifically is easy for me
bad memories
good memories
just expressing myself
just talking to myself
please dont respond to this - let me just say how i feel
nothing to do with you
i am nice
i am a good person
well we both know I am the smart one out of the two of us :)
can I email it to you
have you ever read anything about unmaskng
or Alexithhymea - I dont think I can spell it properly
Hannah
proper :)
And something northern like ey up :)
And mardy
Oojamacallit
Cov
you are being annoying :)
no you are really be annoying - no smiley
genuine laugh
sarcastic laugh
go away :)
tumbleweed
sorry
thank you
i like to see
i dont like to see
i want to see
i dont want to see
i dont know
im not sure what you mean
sorry but I need more time
i would like to do that
i dont want to do that
that is what i mean
that isnt what I mean
i like that
i dont like that
ok
yes
no
New Page
please do any numbers with a bit of time in between so they appear in the right order
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0
New Page
https://bloom.chayn.co/
https://stopncii.org/
no one really has power over you
remind yourself its psychological games - not real
arrange a therapy to help
write one thing a day that is true - how you feel, what you did, what you like
write 3 nice things you are aiming for in the next 6 months
listen to a gentle guided meditation once a day
no more coded messages, write true (phonetic or nice acronyms on here is ok)
dont wear any initials on clothes or rings
drink nettle tea
no drugs or alcohol
read daily
no psychedelic music
walk 30 minutes a day
visit nature once a day
change any necessary passwords
no instagram or social media for at least 2 weeks
delete any hashtags, comments or posts that sign power away
screenshot any messages that show bullying/ pressure
block all relevant accounts from all accounts
map to start today
New Page
Collaboration_with_nature
Studio_work
Home2b
FO
foxglove
Portfolio_2024
Paintings
Home_
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Theory
MA coursework
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About
Hannah McDonald
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or making things more complicated for you
do you think i am trying to control you too?
or not
would you prefer me to step back completely?
oh im sorry its because of me - that makes me feel terrible - sorry
sorry i will quieten down a bit now :)
New Page
Is anyone else involved in watching or controlling?
Months
Years
How long?
But it’s important you feel in control
I am not scared of her
So don’t worry about me
and if so he would feel really happy you are confiding in him
and you never know he may have guessed that you are stressed about something
i think he wouldnt want to see you unhappy
so much so it is difficult to communiate directly about the situation yourself
and the stress of it has made your alexitymia and masking worse
but maybe admitting to him an affair with a woman who is now blackmailing you to stay
with the aim to help you find a nice therapy for the unmasking/ alexithymia
you can leave out parts that you dont feel comfortable sharing
he is old enough to understand life is messy and he really want to help
and then to feel you have a team on your side rather than fighting on your own
but eventually sharing something with Ffion will help bring come cohesiveness to different areas
as rushing wont be good for the unmasking
take as much time as you need
maybe go to a local library computer to login to the email if worried
you didnt get any sleep again?
how are you feeling this morning?
I’m awake x
One day
Start to build leverage-
Take screenshots of as much as possible and keep a folder
Any conversation about money, threats or pushing you to do something
Yes take screenshots of everything.
maybe thats enough questions for today (and before the football :)
its sounds like it has been a lot to deal with
im sorry you have gone through this
phew well done - im sure sharing that felt a lot
I can send emails to you here
StuHan8@
wonderfulbeachwalk@gmail.com
a new email account for us only
but im still here x
I will give you some time to process this
She is using that as a way to feel like you cant escape her
if she did I would know for sure that she dd something to me
she has no power over me
I dont care if she says she saw me or whatever
but you are not - people care for you
her bullying works by making you feel like you are on your own
you dont need to go into specifics - but I am certain he would want to help his dad
that is why I would love to ask Ffion to help
but it is important that you know this
ok I know that is probably a lot to process
you should be free to stop whenever you want
it doesnt matter what was agreed at one point
You decide what is best for you - no one else
it doesnt matter what someone else thinks
and I think it is important that you realise that
sorry if that sounds too direct - but I think you are being placed in an unsafe position
if it was just fun you would feel you can stop whenever you want - even when acting out S roles
if it makes you feel uncomfortable that is a sign it has crossed your boundaries
you are not going crazy - you are being pushed to your limits
so other people have experienced this like you
I have also read this is common for certain dynamics in this lifestyle to be pushed too far
I have also read it is common with masking as the role to play is clear - even if not good for you
and sometimes the intensity such as pain can be mistaken for a deep emotion
but someone is taking advantage of the fact that it is difficult for you to say no
as the strict rules feel safe
I have read that this is common for Alexithymia
that is beyond the rules of a healthy relationship - even in that lifestyle
when you try to stop you are made to feel you are not allowed
even if you say you agree - you dont really want to do it
Yes I do think this is an example of bullying pressure
and email acounts
is someone logged in on your social media
do they threaten you when you try to stop
do they have IRL access to you
is filming/ photos involved
is money involved
or just her
Are other people involved
just click on the ones that are true
New Page
I also saw her before I knew who it was
She has no power over me - I’m not scared of her
I think she is trying to pretend she has more power than she does
Maybe briefly
Or did something to me
Thanks x
Will send some messages in a bit
we dont need to talk about it x
things will get better x
or she did at one point?
she can see me?
but its ok to not feel ok too x
Acupuncture helped me so much
Sleep is so important to help us feel well
Or somatic healing therapy
Maybe a first step before therapy could be acupuncture
New Page
Standard buttons to say what You (SFE) feel want like
Ok we are getting somewhere :)
i think that is sweet
wonderful
You think I’m a good person who deserves a good life
go slower
New Page
im trying
that was a lot for me to process
i need some quiet time now
i may seem quiet but inside my head is loud
stay here with me but quietly x
stay here with me
what do you think?
i like sunny days
i do not like sunny days
i like rainy days
i do not like rainy days
i care a lot for my sons
i think that is nice
I’m feeling happy
i think I am funnier than you :)
im feeling lovely
i feel relaxed
my head feels quiet
I’m feeling tired
Im feeling angry
I am feeling very angry
I wish everyone would leave me alone
I’m feeling hangry
I’m feeling hangry :) (sorry couldn’t resist)
I’m feeling ok
I am choosing where I put my energy
I’m feeling a bit anxious
roof
Im not feeling happy
I’m feeling annoyed
people are pressuring me
I dont have to explain myself
please let me decide for myself
I dont like doing that
It is ok for me to say what I dont like
I will not do that
my head feels loud
I have a weird energy
My chest feels tight
my muscles wont relax
i have a head ache
that irritated me a bit but im ok
I am practicing choosing what is best for me
im not sure how im feeling
that interaction is draining me
Ive decided this isnt good for me
let me make my own decision
that specifically is difficult for me
that specifically is easy for me
bad memories
good memories
just expressing myself
just talking to myself
please dont respond to this - let me just say how i feel
nothing to do with you
i am nice
i am a good person
well we both know I am the smart one out of the two of us :)
can I email it to you
have you ever read anything about unmaskng
or Alexithhymea - I dont think I can spell it properly
Hannah
proper :)
And something northern like ey up :)
And mardy
Oojamacallit
Cov
you are being annoying :)
no you are really be annoying - no smiley
genuine laugh
sarcastic laugh
go away :)
tumbleweed
sorry
thank you
i like to see
i dont like to see
i want to see
i dont want to see
i dont know
im not sure what you mean
sorry but I need more time
i would like to do that
i dont want to do that
that is what i mean
that isnt what I mean
i like that
i dont like that
ok
yes
no
New Page
please do any numbers with a bit of time in between so they appear in the right order
9
8
7
6
5
4
3
2
1
0
New Page
https://bloom.chayn.co/
https://stopncii.org/
no one really has power over you
remind yourself its psychological games - not real
arrange a therapy to help
write one thing a day that is true - how you feel, what you did, what you like
write 3 nice things you are aiming for in the next 6 months
listen to a gentle guided meditation once a day
no more coded messages, write true (phonetic or nice acronyms on here is ok)
dont wear any initials on clothes or rings
drink nettle tea
no drugs or alcohol
read daily
no psychedelic music
walk 30 minutes a day
visit nature once a day
change any necessary passwords
no instagram or social media for at least 2 weeks
delete any hashtags, comments or posts that sign power away
screenshot any messages that show bullying/ pressure
block all relevant accounts from all accounts
map to start today
New Page
Collaboration_with_nature
Studio_work
Home2b
FO
foxglove
Portfolio_2024
Paintings
Home_
FMP tests
Theory
MA coursework
Interviews